Product Roadmap · living document · legally non-binding
Where the bananas are going.
Every feature here began as a joke. Several have shipped anyway. We no longer distinguish between our roadmap and our sense of humour. Items migrate leftward without warning.
Shipped
by accident
Banana Biography™
Every banana writes its own memoir. Started as a joke. Made someone cry.
Global Banana Sentiment Index
The mood of Europe, measured in fruit. n is small. We publish anyway.
AR Kitchen Preview
Spin your banana in 3D, place it on your counter. Beta forever, live today.
Voice of the Banana
Your banana reads its memoir aloud, in a voice it did not choose. The robotic delivery is the point. On every biography page.
Banana Continuity Program
Your banana rots; its memoir does not. Digital immortality, shipped by accident.
Now
actively happening
Banana Copilot™
Autocomplete for your feelings. Stuck at the textarea? It drafts something petty, sorry, or unhinged. Live in the configurator.
Next
soon-ish
Chat With Your Banana
The recipient interrogates their banana. It answers ten questions, then rests. It is, after all, a banana.
The Banana API
POST /v1/banana. Rate limit: one bunch per minute. Authentication: sincerity.
Carbon Peelprint™
Your banana’s emissions, itemised. Shipping: measured. Emotional damage: not measured in kilograms.
Later
when the runway allows
Banana Bunch
BaaS: Banana as a Service. A subscription of escalating monthly messages. Churn is emotional.
Annual ESG Report
Environmental, Sentiment & Governance. Assembled from real Index data. Auditors welcome, unlikely.
Banana Odyssey™
A cinematic AI film of your banana’s voyage. Awaiting a Series A we have not raised.
iOS AR
Placing bananas in Apple kitchens. Pending one (1) real iPhone to test against.
Never
Q4, tentatively
Quantum Ripening
The banana is both ripe and unripe until observed. Observation costs €4.
Multi-Agent Bunch Orchestration
For bulk orders, the bananas negotiate among themselves. Consensus is rarely reached.
AGI
Artificial General Intelligence: no. Artificial Gifting Intelligence: obviously. The banana’s goals are fully aligned with being eaten.
Web3 Integration
Blockchain-free since forever. This entry exists so investors stop asking.
The Bananaverse
Postponed indefinitely, in solidarity with the metaverse.
Roadmaps are promises we make to ourselves and quietly renegotiate. Dates are aspirations. “Never” is a direction, not a commitment.